Mon 22 Oct 2007
It is the dawn of a new special feature here on Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! In fact, it is the dawn of special features, period.
Anyway, these past few weeks, there have been some fairly cool new animes here and there, and a few rather bad ones.
But none are so much of a hilarious, poorly plotted train wreck as Dragonaut - The Resonance.
The show makes little sense, the characters are mostly a cast of generics aimed at reaching the widest possible audience, and most of all everything is so amazingly poorly written. And it has CGI dragons, which has been the death knell for other works of media this year.
So in honor of this astounding train wreck, I will be following the series not as a blogger, but in an attempt to revive the precursor to Abridged Series, Thumbnail Theatres.
Let us get started then!
Emonaut - The Dragonaut Thumbnail Theatre
Episode 1: No Need for Plot!
Sounds okay, Jin. And you be sure not to have any horrific heart-rending accidents within the next hour.
C’mon, Jin, let’s get going. I should be diagnostic checking the space shuttle by now. I wouldn’t want them to blame me for any accidents.
Dad, did you use too much Botox again?
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I love you, Dad.
Bye! Watch out for falling pieces of sky!
*Meanwhile, in the furthest reaches of the Solar System*
GO, MY DRAGON MINIONS! BRING ME SOME EYEDROPS!
*Meanwhile, on the spaceship*
Kiss your boyfriend goodbye, bro?
Oh, you bet! Wait, I mean, um, what are you talking about?
Jin, honey, I was looking at the script and was scared to find that I don’t have a name.
I love you, Mom.
Oh well, I’m sure it will be fine. There’s plenty of time to introduce me.
That spaceship looks like it might have eyedrops!
Spaceship: OW! The forecast didn’t call for random death today!
Oh, darn, why do I always destroy everything I touch?
Skydiving isn’t as fun as people keep telling me…
*2 Years Later… we think. Not that it matters how long has passed, so we’ll go with 2 years.*
Well, picture of dead family, I’m off to go angst in the park.
Foster Family Daughter: Mommy, that emo kid who lives in the attic is leaving his room again.
Foster Family Mother: Oh, just ignore him. We’re such a happy family, aren’t we?
Foster Family Father: That’s right, dear. You didn’t invite that punk to dinner, did you?
Why does the sun shine on such a miserable world? I’m going to write some poetry about it on my livejournal…
*Roll Credits. For the love of god, roll the credits before he starts reciting.*
*Meanwhile, on the beach*
I am SO mysterious.
*Meanwhile, watching TV*
I am SO angry.
*Meanwhile, on TV*
I am SO pretty.
*Meanwhile, in a card game thousands of miles away*
I am SO frustrated.
*Meanwhile, back on the TV*
Newslady: So, the “Is Pluto a Planet” debate can finally rest now that it has been turned into debris by an evil eye.
Thank you for the exposition, Newslady. Here’s some footage of it blowing up.
*Meanwhile, on a bridge*
Hrmmm. My assignment has me looking for some emo kid. Oh, there’s one!
I’m sad that I’m walking.
Hey, kid, what do you think of the reports that say your dad sucked at flying spaceships?
I think you and your snazzy red car should be thrown into a pit of eternal despair.
Cute kid. Hey, a pink haired girl! A photo of that will sell to evil scientists for lots of money! PAPARAZZI TIME!
*Meanwhile, outside the TV Studio*
Random crowd of fangirls: KYAAAAA! Liner’s so hot!
Shame shame, ladies. He’s MINE.
Now, now, Howling Star, don’t be jealous. It’s not my fault I was blessed with the looks in this marriage.
My name sucks.
*Meanwhile on the City bus*
Random Crowd of Schoolkids: Whisper whisper rumormonger alienate emokid…
I don’t want to go to school today…
*Meanwhile in a cafe*
Hey, sexy scientist lady, if I give you this blurry photo of a pink haired girl will you take off your top?
No. You need to bring her to me in person.
Oh, a threesome? I’m DEFINITELY down for that. I’ll get right on it.
*Meanwhile in a secret organization’s lair*
ISDA: Welcome to the ISDA. Please suitably fanservice yourself upon entrance to the facility.
Showers are so refreshing. Now, how’s the evil monster in a jar we’re keeping?
Immobile as always.
*Meanwhile, near the site of the horrible heart-rending accident*
Watching spaceships take off reminds me of why my life is such a mess. I’m so lonely. I should look up Kazuki. No, he’ll pick on me like everyone else. Come, sweet death. Take me out of my misery.
I’m still mysterious.
*Meanwhile, in a car on a bridge*
Wow, it sure was nice of you two pretty ladies to pick me up and take me to the evil organization base. I’ve never been to one before!
First time, eh? Want me to educate you?
Whoa, really? Score! Loss of virginity here I come!
Teehee! Teasing kids is so fun!
More fun than when I tease you?
Of course not, onee-sama… teehee!
So… we on for tonight?
*Meanwhile, in a random building*
It’s been… too long… since I’ve been punished…
Oh, I’ll punish you alright.
*Meanwhile, in the secret organization’s lair*
So, all I gotta do is touch this big sphere thing, right?
Now, who told him he had to be naked?
Yes, Kazuki… that’s how daddy likes it…
Pulse… Pulse… OOO! A LITTLE BOY! TENTACLE TIME!
GAAAAAAH! IT’S TAKING MY BODILY FLUIDS!
Alright, the hazing ritual is done. You can join the secret society “Dragonauts”.
Sweet! Now, I hope my dragon is a chick…
*Meanwhile, back on the random building*
Oh please… please…
Please? Please what?
PLEASE HURT ME MORE!
Oh, I’ll hurt you lots more. We’re just getting started, pet.
*Meanwhile, on a bridge*
What a lovely evening for an angsty walk in the moonlight.
DRAGON-MAN LOOK FOR GIRLFLESH.
*Meanwhile, in a dark alley*
Lone Woman in Alley: Doo dee doo, walking alone at night…
IT’S RAPING- *ahem* I mean IT’S DINNERTIME!
Lone woman in Alley: Oh dear, my life is a horror cliche.
A scream from a dark alley? I had better check it out.
Nom nom nom girlflesh is yummy. Rah? PUNY RUNT BOY INTERRUPT MEAL.
SMASH PUNY RUNT BOY.
Hahaha! The joke is on you, monsterman! In scared mode I can do badass things! EAT STEEL ROD!
This pole cause cheek itch.
Oh dear, I seem to have found the dead body of a woman in an alleyway. Hello, implied consent! *Checks body* Huh. Or maybe she’s not dead.
This tall building under construction is my last refuge.
JUMP, PUNY RUNT BOY. END IT ALL.
But I don’t actually want to die!
I SAID JUMP.
This fall reminds me of the time my family died. I still remember it even now… the billowing smoke… the assorted debris… the falling bodies… oh, lord, let me die this time.
Huh. I appear to be alive and in the arms of a hot girl. That’s a relief. *Passes out*
Hey, it’s the Pink haired girl again. Better get a better picture this time.
*Meanwhile, at the secret organization’s control room*
BOSS! Dragons are attacking the city!
Shhh! The audience isn’t supposed to know they’re dragons yet! *Ahem* Anyway, send the loli and the butler to check things out!
*Meanwhile, on the freeway*
SMASH PUNY PINK GIRL.
WE MUST KUNG-FU FIGHT!
Truck: Oh poopy, a random fight in the middle of the road. Time to blow up now.
No like waste evening. Me go home to play games.
We’re here, my lady.
Dammit, we’re late! You shouldn’t have loli-gagged about! Tsundere Hmph! *Laughtrack*
*Later, in a grassy field*
*yawn* What a strange dream. I dreamt a monster threw me out of a building and then a hot pink haired girl saved me. Hey, where am I?
Up already, handsome? I’m Toa. Wanna go out? I can assure you I have nothing to do with the accident that killed your family.
The pretty sunrise sure thinks we should. Hooray! Something happy to put in my livejournal for once! Maybe there IS hope in life! Maybe I can be happy for the rest of the series!
Cast: Keep telling yourself that.
(With special thanks to LittleKuriboh for inspiring a few lines.)