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It is the dawn of a new special feature here on Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! In fact, it is the dawn of special features, period.

Anyway, these past few weeks, there have been some fairly cool new animes here and there, and a few rather bad ones.

But none are so much of a hilarious, poorly plotted train wreck as Dragonaut - The Resonance.

The show makes little sense, the characters are mostly a cast of generics aimed at reaching the widest possible audience, and most of all everything is so amazingly poorly written. And it has CGI dragons, which has been the death knell for other works of media this year.

So in honor of this astounding train wreck, I will be following the series not as a blogger, but in an attempt to revive the precursor to Abridged Series, Thumbnail Theatres.

Let us get started then!

Emonaut - The Dragonaut Thumbnail Theatre
Episode 1: No Need for Plot!


Young Jin Well, Kazuki, I’m heading off to space with my family. Don’t join any idiotic evil organizations while I’m gone.

Young Kazuki Sounds okay, Jin. And you be sure not to have any horrific heart-rending accidents within the next hour.

Jin's Dad C’mon, Jin, let’s get going. I should be diagnostic checking the space shuttle by now. I wouldn’t want them to blame me for any accidents.

Young Jin Dad, did you use too much Botox again?

Jin's Dad I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Young Jin I love you, Dad.

Young Kazuki Bye! Watch out for falling pieces of sky!

*Meanwhile, in the furthest reaches of the Solar System*

Thanatos GO, MY DRAGON MINIONS! BRING ME SOME EYEDROPS!

*Meanwhile, on the spaceship*

Jin's Sister Kiss your boyfriend goodbye, bro?

Young Jin Oh, you bet! Wait, I mean, um, what are you talking about?

Jin's Mom Jin, honey, I was looking at the script and was scared to find that I don’t have a name.

Young Jin I love you, Mom.

Jin's Mom Oh well, I’m sure it will be fine. There’s plenty of time to introduce me.

Dragon Meteor That spaceship looks like it might have eyedrops!

BOOM
*BOOM*

Spaceship: OW! The forecast didn’t call for random death today!

Dragon Meteor Oh, darn, why do I always destroy everything I touch?

Falling Jin Skydiving isn’t as fun as people keep telling me…

*2 Years Later… we think. Not that it matters how long has passed, so we’ll go with 2 years.*

Sad Jin Well, picture of dead family, I’m off to go angst in the park.

Foster Family Daughter: Mommy, that emo kid who lives in the attic is leaving his room again.

Foster Family Mother: Oh, just ignore him. We’re such a happy family, aren’t we?

Foster Family Father: That’s right, dear. You didn’t invite that punk to dinner, did you?

Sad Jin Why does the sun shine on such a miserable world? I’m going to write some poetry about it on my livejournal…

*Roll Credits. For the love of god, roll the credits before he starts reciting.*

*Meanwhile, on the beach*

Toa I am SO mysterious.

*Meanwhile, watching TV*

Old Guy I am SO angry.

*Meanwhile, on TV*

Liner I am SO pretty.

*Meanwhile, in a card game thousands of miles away*

Frustrated Celtic Guardian I am SO frustrated.

*Meanwhile, back on the TV*

Newslady: So, the “Is Pluto a Planet” debate can finally rest now that it has been turned into debris by an evil eye.

Liner Thank you for the exposition, Newslady. Here’s some footage of it blowing up.

*Meanwhile, on a bridge*

Yonamine Hrmmm. My assignment has me looking for some emo kid. Oh, there’s one!

Sad Jin I’m sad that I’m walking.

Yonamine Hey, kid, what do you think of the reports that say your dad sucked at flying spaceships?

Sad Jin I think you and your snazzy red car should be thrown into a pit of eternal despair.

Yonamine Cute kid. Hey, a pink haired girl! A photo of that will sell to evil scientists for lots of money! PAPARAZZI TIME!

*Meanwhile, outside the TV Studio*

Random crowd of fangirls: KYAAAAA! Liner’s so hot!

Howling Star Shame shame, ladies. He’s MINE.

Liner Now, now, Howling Star, don’t be jealous. It’s not my fault I was blessed with the looks in this marriage.

Howling Star My name sucks.

*Meanwhile on the City bus*

Random Crowd of Schoolkids: Whisper whisper rumormonger alienate emokid…

Sad Jin I don’t want to go to school today…

*Meanwhile in a cafe*

Yonamine Hey, sexy scientist lady, if I give you this blurry photo of a pink haired girl will you take off your top?

Scientist Lady No. You need to bring her to me in person.

Yonamine Oh, a threesome? I’m DEFINITELY down for that. I’ll get right on it.

*Meanwhile in a secret organization’s lair*

I think it's time for some FANSERVICE
ISDA: Welcome to the ISDA. Please suitably fanservice yourself upon entrance to the facility.

Scientist Lady Showers are so refreshing. Now, how’s the evil monster in a jar we’re keeping?

Nozaki Immobile as always.

Scientist Lady Good.

*Meanwhile, near the site of the horrible heart-rending accident*

Sad Jin Watching spaceships take off reminds me of why my life is such a mess. I’m so lonely. I should look up Kazuki. No, he’ll pick on me like everyone else. Come, sweet death. Take me out of my misery.

Toa I’m still mysterious.

*Eyecatch*

*Meanwhile, in a car on a bridge*

Kazuki Wow, it sure was nice of you two pretty ladies to pick me up and take me to the evil organization base. I’ve never been to one before!

Akira First time, eh? Want me to educate you?

Kazuki Whoa, really? Score! Loss of virginity here I come!

Akira Teehee! Teasing kids is so fun!

Makina More fun than when I tease you?

Akira Of course not, onee-sama… teehee!

Kazuki So… we on for tonight?

*Meanwhile, in a random building*

Random Guy It’s been… too long… since I’ve been punished…

Dominatrix Oh, I’ll punish you alright.

*Meanwhile, in the secret organization’s lair*

Kazuki So, all I gotta do is touch this big sphere thing, right?

Scientist Lady Now, who told him he had to be naked?

Sakaki Yes, Kazuki… that’s how daddy likes it…

Gio Ball Pulse… Pulse… OOO! A LITTLE BOY! TENTACLE TIME!

Kazuki GAAAAAAH! IT’S TAKING MY BODILY FLUIDS!

Scientist Lady Alright, the hazing ritual is done. You can join the secret society “Dragonauts”.

Kazuki Sweet! Now, I hope my dragon is a chick…

*Meanwhile, back on the random building*

Random Guy Oh please… please…

Dominatrix Please? Please what?

Random Guy PLEASE HURT ME MORE!

Dominatrix Oh, I’ll hurt you lots more. We’re just getting started, pet.

*Meanwhile, on a bridge*

Sad Jin What a lovely evening for an angsty walk in the moonlight.

Monster DRAGON-MAN LOOK FOR GIRLFLESH.

*Meanwhile, in a dark alley*

Lone Woman in Alley: Doo dee doo, walking alone at night…

Monster IT’S RAPING- *ahem* I mean IT’S DINNERTIME!

Lone woman in Alley: Oh dear, my life is a horror cliche.

Sad Jin A scream from a dark alley? I had better check it out.

Monster Nom nom nom girlflesh is yummy. Rah? PUNY RUNT BOY INTERRUPT MEAL.

Scared Jin OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT.

Monster SMASH PUNY RUNT BOY.

Scared JinHahaha! The joke is on you, monsterman! In scared mode I can do badass things! EAT STEEL ROD!

Monster This pole cause cheek itch.

Scared Jin OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT.

Yonamine Oh dear, I seem to have found the dead body of a woman in an alleyway. Hello, implied consent! *Checks body* Huh. Or maybe she’s not dead.

Scared Jin This tall building under construction is my last refuge.

Monster JUMP, PUNY RUNT BOY. END IT ALL.

Scared Jin But I don’t actually want to die!

Monster I SAID JUMP.

*BOOM.*

Sad Jin This fall reminds me of the time my family died. I still remember it even now… the billowing smoke… the assorted debris… the falling bodies… oh, lord, let me die this time.

Toa Convenient rescue!

Sad Jin Huh. I appear to be alive and in the arms of a hot girl. That’s a relief. *Passes out*

Yonamine Hey, it’s the Pink haired girl again. Better get a better picture this time.

*Meanwhile, at the secret organization’s control room*

Bridge Bunny A BOSS! Dragons are attacking the city!

Sakaki Shhh! The audience isn’t supposed to know they’re dragons yet! *Ahem* Anyway, send the loli and the butler to check things out!

*Meanwhile, on the freeway*

SMASH PUNY PINK GIRL.

Toa WE MUST KUNG-FU FIGHT!

Truck: Oh poopy, a random fight in the middle of the road. Time to blow up now.

Toa Mysterious escape!

Monster No like waste evening. Me go home to play games.

Butler We’re here, my lady.

Loli Dammit, we’re late! You shouldn’t have loli-gagged about! Tsundere Hmph! *Laughtrack*

*Later, in a grassy field*

Sad Jin *yawn* What a strange dream. I dreamt a monster threw me out of a building and then a hot pink haired girl saved me. Hey, where am I?

Toa Up already, handsome? I’m Toa. Wanna go out? I can assure you I have nothing to do with the accident that killed your family.

Happy Jin The pretty sunrise sure thinks we should. Hooray! Something happy to put in my livejournal for once! Maybe there IS hope in life! Maybe I can be happy for the rest of the series!

Cast: Keep telling yourself that.

-END-

(With special thanks to LittleKuriboh for inspiring a few lines.)