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Emonaut: The Dragonaut Thumbnail Theater
Episode 3: Lots of Dragons Fighting Each Other For No Reason
(This special feature, like all special features, is the result of two crazy nerds bashing their heads against a brick wall to make jokes fall out)

*Nineteen years ago, on a pointless deep sea voyage*

Scientist Lady Look, Dragon eggs!

*Are these flashbacks doing anything? Roll the credits.*
Toa Here we are Jin! Now run along, mommy and daddy need to discuss a few things. You don’t need to see this.

Sad Jin But why? That’s a dragon, right?

Toa Yes, now don’t watch. TOA, SHINKAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Toa-Dragon TOA, DRAGON FORM!

Dialga Hey, Palkia, can I get that book back I lent- wait, you’re not Palkia!

Sad Jin Whabuh? Toa’s a Dragon? DOH! I’m gonna go angst in that corner now…Wait, didn’t we do this already?

Yonamine Two dragons? Whoa! Which one is the chick?

*A few moments later, at ISDA headquarters*

Bridge Bunny C Sir! We’re picking up footage of a pair of dragons fighting!

Sakaki Yawn.

Bridge Bunny C One of them is Album!

Sakaki BOR-ing. If there isn’t nudity, I’m not interested!

Bridge Bunny D Angry man wants to talk to you, sir.

Sakaki Is he naked?

Bridge Bunny D No, and thank god, sir.

Angry Guy You’ve got alot of ’splaining to do, Sakaki! What’s with the dragon rampage?

Sakaki WAAAAAAAAAAH! *hangs up*

*Meanwhile, in the science lab*

Scientist Lady I MUST GO SEE THE DRAGONS IN PERSON. *leaves*

Bridge Bunny B Oh dear, she’s in research mode again. At least she’s not gonna experiment on me anytime soon.

Yonamine Can I experiment on you? Giggity giggity!

Bridge Bunny B Wait, weren’t you just at the fight scene? Is this thumbnail theater starting to diverge from the actual story for cheap jokes?

DTZ YES.

*Meanwhile, on the Gillard Army Submarine*

Submarine Tech: We get signal!

Angry Guy Miss Evil Dominatrix Leader of Evil Army, can you give us a hand keeping the dragons under control?

Garnet Oh, sure, no problem.

Angry Guy kthx. *sign off*

Garnet Just as planned! Now, launch our most incompetent and trigger happy pilots!

Submarine Tech: Um, boss? What exactly is our plan here?

Garnet Ask again next episode.

*Meanwhile, back at the fight scene*

LoliAkiraLiner Dragonauts, assemble!

AmadeusMachinaHowling Star Dragons in human form, assemble!

Loli So that pink thing is Album? What a silly name.

Amadeus Milady, you’re not one to talk.

Loli Shh. I don’t have a name.

Amadeus Didn’t you name me after your dea-

Loli No, this isn’t the development episode yet! Silence!

*Meanwhile, in the ISDA Dragon-in-a-tube room*

Nozaki Yup, the dragon is still immobile. Easiest paycheck ever.

*Meanwhile, in the sky.*

Toa-Dragon Right, Spyritus? Going crazy and killing people is a NO-NO.

Spirytus-Dragon Huh. Never thought of it like that.

Liner Toa appears to be able to calm berserk dragons down. This might end bloodlessly.

Gillard Army Pilot A: ALRIGHT, IT’S TIME TO HELP!

Gillard Army Pilot B: YES, HELP! HELP!

Gillard Army Pilot C: WE’RE HELPING, WE’RE HELPING!

Liner Dammit.

*Gillard Army fires upon Spyritus*

Spirytus-Dragon OW. Right, NEGOTIATIONS ARE OVER.

Gillard Army Pilot A: I REGRET NOTHING! *Dies*

Loli Seriously, why do we even hire this redshirt brigade?

Liner The rates are reasonable.

Howling Star DAMMIT! WE GOTTA HELP OR PEOPLES ARE GONNA DIE!

Liner No can do, buddyboy. The orders haven’t been given.

Howling Star I hate orders…

Toa-Dragon STUPID HUMANS! I’M NOT TRYING TO KILL YOU!

Gillard Army Pilot B: What did the pink thing just roar?

Gillard Army Pilot C: My Space Dragon is a little rusty, but I think it just said “I’m going to kill you.”

Gillard Army Pilot B: Oh shit. CONTINUE SUPPRESSIVE FIRE!

*Meanwhile, in the ISDA Base*

Gio in Ball *PULSE.* Just five more minutes, mommy…

*Meanwhile, back at the fight*

Sad Jin Dear gods, why have these last few days been on so much crack? I can’t take it anymore…

Gillard Army Pilot B: *Is Shot* I REGRET THAT I HAVE BUT ONE LIFE TO GIVE FOR OUR GLORIOUS LEADER’S BREASTS!

Scared Jin And now a helicopter is gonna crash into me! Must run!

Toa-Dragon I MUST DEFEND JIN. *Catches Helicopter in bubble*

Gillard Army Pilot B: But I don’t want to be turned into fruit!

Gillard Army Pilot C: How DARE you trap my friend in a bubble! EAT MACROSS MISSLESPAM!

Toa-Dragon *Dodges Misslespam like the misslespams are always dodged.*

Gillard Army Pilot C: Dammit, just what do those things explode on, anyway?

Sad Jin STOP FIGHTING TOA!

Toa-Dragon *Is hit by a couple of missles* OW! EAT ROAR OF TIME!

Dialga No, no, you’re a PALKIA ripoff. That’s MY move.

Gillard Army Pilot C: And now I’m in a bubble! This just ruins this wonderful evening of carnage!

Spirytus-Dragon Now I just feel silly.

Toa-Dragon Now, young man, you’re coming with me. Let’s have our little chat where we won’t be bothered by idiots in helicopters.

*Meanwhile, at the ISDA Bridge*

Bridge Bunny D Well, that about wraps it up for the Idiot Brigade.

Bridge Bunny C We should probably do something, Boss.

Sakaki Well, normally I wouldn’t stick my neck out for something that doesn’t involve nudity… so I’ll leave it up to the bigger boss man.

Angry Guy Just go for the damn stock footage.

Sakaki Right then! This is our first time doing this, ladies and gentlemen, so let’s try it like the Gutsy Geoid Guard taught us! ACTUALIZATION APPROVED!

Bridge Bunny A Sir, I don’t have a button to smash!

Bridge Bunny C And I don’t have a card key to swipe!

Bridge Bunny D We’re just not awesome enough, Sir.

Sakaki DAMMIT! Please tell me we at LEAST have awesome mecha!

Bridge Bunny A Ummmmm… we’ve got… Dragons?

*Meanwhile, back at the fight*

Liner Permission has been granted! Quick, change into pilot gear!

Akira Righto, into the van.

*Quick cut to bridge*

Sakaki We don’t have cameras in the changing rooms? What a ripoff! I can tolerate the lack of naked transformation into new clothes, but can’t I at least get some skin here?

*Back at the fight*

Howling Star Dammit, what’s taking them so long? That bubble is gonna break soon, and if we’re not the ones who take care of it he’s gonna be red and twice as fast.

Liner We’re here. Time for the stock footage!

Howling Star ALRIGHT! HENSHIN-A-GO-GO, BABY!

HS-Dragon Howling Star, POINTY RED DRAGON MODE!

Liner Unceremonious board the back of the dragon, GO!

AkiraMachina The power of girl love unites us!

Machina-Dragon Machina, WEIRD BLUE DRAGON MODE!

Akira I’m seme, so I’m in control! Let’s go!

Amadeus Dignified understated butler transform!

Amadeus-Dragon Amadeus, BIG BLACK ELECTRIC TANK DRAGON MODE!

Loli Got my loli-skates! Rock me, Amadeus!

*Dragonauts take off; Meanwhile, on the bridge*

Kazuki NO! THE FIGHTING HAS STARTED WITHOUT ME! Why hasn’t Gio gotten out of his ball for me, yet?

*I think we ALL know the answer to that by now.*

Scared Jin People… are turning into, and riding on… dragons… is it me or is this some very off-kilter sex metaphor? At least it’s not swords being pulled out of chests…

Zero Hey! Our sex metaphor was totally harmless!

*Eyecatch Sign!*

Spirytus-Dragon HEY! Lemme out of this bubble! They’re coming to kill me! *Destroys bubble from the inside*

Liner Right, we gotta calm down the dragons.

Toa-Dragon HEY! I’m perfectly calm! You guys are just pissing me off!

*Meanwhile, at the base*

Scientist Lady *Over cameraphone* Sakaki! Why’d you send out the dragons when we’re supposed to keep the originals alive? Also, why do I have to be posed in a manner that seems stripperific?

Sakaki Cause they went crazy. And because you’ve got breasts. Seriously, though, what’s more important, researching dragons or keeping people alive?

Scientist Lady Research, naturally.

Sakaki And here everyone thinks I’m the screwed up one.

Bridge Bunny D Don’t worry, sir, I’m sure they’re still right.

*Meanwhile, back at the fight*

Spirytus-Dragon GO AWAY, YOU STUPID FORMER COMRADES! I’M SICK OF BEING THAT ONE GUY IN THE BACKGROUND! *fires*

*Dodges*

Toa-Dragon *Is hit by missed shot* PULSE.

*Meanwhile, in Gio’s room.*

Gio Alright, alright, sheesh, I’m awake.

Bridge Bunny B Oh no! Gio’s running around naked!

Sakaki PLEASE tell me we at least put an observation camera in there!

Bridge Bunny A It was destroyed when Gio woke up!

Sakaki NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Gio Well, time to make my fashionably late awesome entrance.

*Meanwhile, back at the battle*

Toa-Dragon *Crashes into water*

Machina-Dragon *Lands atop Toa* I got you now, my pretty.

Akira Sweet, that was easy!

Spirytus-Dragon WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Akira Oh, crabcakes.

Loli Amadeus! Stop that dragon!

Announcer: Amadeus used Sonic Boom!

Toa-Dragon Convenient explosion! Time to escape!

Liner C’mon, Howling Star! Keep up with her!

HS-Dragon Liner, I can’t! Your control scheme is too cumbersome!

Liner Accursed SixaxiS!

Spirytus-Dragon SKY EXPLOSION FIELD TIME!

dioav.jpg Sky explosion field? What the hell are you talking about?

DTZ You know, how in all those old animes when they want to show lots of carnage in the sky they draw a bunch of orange spheres and call ‘em explosions.

dioav.jpg You’re an idiot.

Scared Jin There’s just no end to this fight…

Kazuki Jin! Get away from the fight and come with me! I need you for my codependent friendship!

Scared Jin Kazuki, if you can use your Dragonaut connections to get this fight to stop so I can go on with my girlfriend in peace, I swear I’ll take back anything I said about you sucking.

Kazuki Huh? Well, maybe I could do some-

Toa-Dragon INTERRUPTING CRASH.

Scared Jin Oh gods she’s scary up close!

Toa-Dragon No… now our love can no longer be… *flies away*

Gio Hey, I heard that there’s a sexy dragon girl here.

Kazuki Hey, Gio, Awesome! Can I ride you-

Gio Shut up, kid, you suck. *Hits Kazuki*

DTZ YES. FINALLY, a character that gives Kazuki what he deserves.

Gio I feel a strong urge to protect the pink dragon! TRANSFORM!

Gio-Dragon Gio, AWESOME DRAGON-THAT-DOESN’T-SUCK MODE! TAKE OFF!

Scared Jin Well, based on my track record of falling, I have a good chance of being caught by a dragon if I jump, so… *Jumps*

Gio-Dragon *catches* Hey, kid, sup.

Serious Jin Right, now to actually DO something!

Gio-Dragon Stick with me, kid. I hate those ISDA pricks too.

Kazuki Huh? Gio, where are you going?

Angry Kazuki Grr… NO! GIO IS MINE! GIVE HIM BACK, JIN! HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME!

Angry Jin NEVER MIND WHAT I SAID! YOU STILL SUCK!

Gio-Dragon Hey, was he talking to you on that last bit?

Scared Jin *Shiver* God I hope not. Maybe it was directed at you?

Gio-Dragon Kid, I like you for some unexplained reason. Don’t blow it and convince me to eat you.

Scared Jin I’ll be a good little emokid.

Gio-Dragon Righto, to the fight.

Liner Hey, isn’t that-

Sakaki *Over radio* Liner, Gio’s escaped. He’s headed your way.

Liner Gio. Like I was just about to say. Thank you, exposition. Hey, what’s that kid doing on his back?

Sakaki Kid? Hmm… anyway, Liner, be a peach and kill Spirytus, okay? You can capture Album, Gio and that emo kid later.

Liner That was a peculiar transition. Oh well. Howling Star, orders are orders. Let’s kill that traitorous dog-dragon.

HS-Dragon NO! I don’t wanna!

Liner Don’t make me get the whip, boy.

HS-Dragon Oh, alright, I’ll be good. GIGA DRILL BREAKER! *Kills Spirytus*

Simon …I’m so gonna kick all your asses, I swear. That attack belongs to awesome series ONLY. Also, Kazuki? You suck too much to have my voice. Hand it over. Now.

Akira Gasp!

Loli Gasp!

Gio-Dragon Come back here, Toa! We only want to talk!

Toa-Dragon For some reason, I don’t want to talk!

Serious Jin Gio, get in closer!

Gio-Dragon You don’t tell me what to do! *gets closer anyway.*

Serious Jin Toa, please don’t go! I have only known you for a day but you’re already the best thing that’s ever happened to me! If you leave I might go back to cutting myself and writing poetry! *touches Toa*

Toa-Dragon Oh, you just HAD to touch me. Now we go to the Spiritual Fields. Because Spiritual things happen in fields.

*Teleported to Spiritual Field*

Scared Jin OhgodwhereamI?

Toa I have to go now that you have seen me.

Sad Jin Why?

Toa It’s the only way. It’s unavoidable now that you have seen me.

Sad Jin Seriously, why?

Toa I would stick around, I really do think it could have worked out, but you’ve seen me.

Sad Jin No, REALLY, WHY?

Toa It’s the way things have to be. I’m going to be spending time with Gio from now on, since you’ve seen me.

Gio Look, kid, she doesn’t appreciate your codependentness. Give it up already. She’s brushed you off.

Sad Jin Are you people TRYING to drive me even further into depression?

Gio Also, take special note that I am much hotter and manlier than the rest of the male cast in this show combined, so such a result is only natural.

Sad Jin Can someone AT LEAST tell me just what’s going on here?!

HS-Dragon Will a vicious spinning attack work? *breaks everyone out of the Spiritual Field by means of awesome attack theft*

Simon Oh, that does it. I WARNED you guys.

HS-Dragon And now to take a bite out of hot chick dragon!

Toa-Dragon Oh bugger it all.

Gio-Dragon Wait, I’ll save you!

Serious Jin Wait, I’ll save you! Say, why am I still on Gio’s back? He’s a girlfriend swiping jerk.

Toa-Dragon Stupid boys! I’m fed up with all of you! *knocks Howling Star into Gio and Jin*

HS-Dragon AHHH!

Gio-Dragon OUCH!

Liner ARGH!

Sad Jin *Falls in bubble, thinks back to first kiss* Oh fudge it all. In one day I go from having a hot protective girlfriend at my beck and call to once again falling into the ocean because of random act of Dragon. It’s official. The universe hates me.

dioav.jpg This might be sad if it weren’t for the fact that he only met her 30 hours ago.

Liner Well, fiddlesticks. We failed our all important capture mission.

HS-Dragon If it was a capture mission why’d you keep ordering me to kill?

Liner Seriously, I’m putting you in the box if you get cheeky about the whole killing thing.

*Later, in the morning*

Sakaki Ahh, beer fridge. Misato was right; they DO make everything better.

Mysterious Vision Girl Hey, sup.

Sakaki …Hello little girl whom haunts my memories of my past.

Mysterious Vision Girl *Vanishes*

Sakaki Drunk enough to see little girls, not drunk enough to see them naked. Time to get working on that. *Turns on TV, has a Bud*

TV Anchorlady: I’m here at the site of alot of destruction where apparently monsters fought. The ISDA disavowed any connection to the incident, but because no one asked, no one seems to care.

Sakaki *Shuts off TV* Beer hurts head less than TV. *Cellphone rings* Don’t answer it… it’s just angry guy calling to shout “Whasap…” Don’t answer it…

*Episode Ends*