Tue 11 Dec 2007
Emonaut - The Dragonaut Thumbnail Theatre
Episode 4: How to Break into a Secret Government Facility in 6 Easy Steps
*Two years ago, a little after the tragic heartrending incident…*
TV News Anchor: On the ninth of this month, a space shuttle was destroyed because some dumbass kid’s dad made a boo boo. Why we’re reporting this now is anyones guess.
Tragic incidents make me want to go on secret expeditions to tropical islands.
No… eyedrops… anywhere…
Awesome, another dragon. *touches*
Gah, a girl is touching me! *vanishes*
…Best. Secret Expedition Acid Trip. Ever.
*wakes up on beach* GAH Sunlight. It burns us. Where am I? Where is Toa? I need dragon girl loving and I need it now. Wait, she LEFT me in a Spiritual Field. Now I remember. Life sucks!
I have the high ground and that makes me badass.
That’s the guy that took my girlfriend. He’s kinda cool now that he’s neither naked nor dragon, now that I think about it. Hey, where’d he get those clothes?
*Meanwhile at the ISDA Headquarters*
God, I can’t believe I had to kill Spyritus! I mean, he was a really great guy! Well, when he wasn’t going berserk and eating people… but that was a one time thing! He was like my little brother! Oh gods, why did I have to kill my little brother! Even if he was never on screen, I still loved him, almost as much as I love Liner! Why, that time he kicked that puppy… oh gods why did I have to end his short, short life?
Don’t cry, guy. Not your fault, it’s the fault of our mast-
Hey! I’d never order you to kill someone!
But we are completely bound to your orders, so pretty much anyone we kill is on your-
WE WOULDN’T ORDER YOU TO KILL! We’re not jerks; that’s just Liner.
Shut up, all of you. The ISDA bigwigs are at fault, not me. Heirarchy of orders says so. Anywho, current orders are to find Jin and Gio and subdue them… but in a friendly not-military-police kind of way.
*In the Gio Tube Room*
Grr… stupid Jin… he took away from me the only thing that mattered in my life! My dragon! My Gio! MINE! MY OWN! MY PRECIOUS!
*Meanwhile, in Angry Man’s office. Yes, he has a revealed name, but I prefer to call him angry man*
Spirytus was going around killing girls before this incident?
You got it. Got a survivor and everything. Also, remember, I am freelance and offer blackmail insurance to all of my customers. Special rates for moronic secret organizations!
*Later, searching the island chain*
Loli and Butler searching the water!
Bishie and Gardragon searching the skies!
Seme and Uke searching the land!
It CALLS to us… My… GIO… Filthy little Jinses! Wicked! TRICKSY! FALSE!
Any reason Kazuki is acting like Gollum?
Apparently he decided to try being someone else because he sucks so much.
And THAT’S what he picked?
*Meanwhile, at the ISDA Headquarters*
It’s nice and all that we’re trying to catch those scientifically worthless guys that messed everything up, but can we PLEASE search for Album? I needs to get my research itch scratched.
Last I heard, Gio was naked and Jin is wussy enough to be naked as well by the time we find them. They’re top priority.
Ok, we get it already, DTZ, can’t we just skip this scene entirely?
You forced me to cut back on the generic tsundereness of the Goth Loli. You won’t take away these two.
*Later, at the big ISDA Meeting*
We will not reveal the nature of the Dragonauts to the public, regardless of the events that have occured. Instead, we will again blame this on Jin’s Dad because that worked well last time.
ISDA Suit Man: Even though people have seen dragons already? Well, smarter groups than us have done worse, so…
For some reason, I’m here too! Hey, Sakaki, go against your boss.
Do it! Do it!
Yes, talking cleavage. I’d be happy to expose ourselves to the world if it will boost opinion of us.
*Meanwhile, back on the beach*
My hand is a seive through which sand falls, much like the holes in my heart…
Oh gods, just SHUT UP ALREADY. I’m sick of your poetry.
Oh alright. Say, where’d you get the clothes?
I stole ‘em from some guy. He’s currently very naked and attempting to talk to fish. Much like you will be if you keep bugging me.
Well, I’m gonna keep bugging you anyway. Why’d you get in between me and my sexy dragon girlfriend?
Because I was born to protect her, and that’s what I intend to do. No guy as wussy as you will so much as lay a finger on her.
So if I become more awesome you will let me hang out with her?
Now I never said that.
*Silence… and then all of a sudden, background music.*
What the heck is that?
What the heck is what?
It’s like a song started playing for no reason… hey, I know! It’s Toa! She’s on the moon!
…Wanna run that by me one more time?
what, you can’t hear it? There’s singing. It’s Toa. She’s on the moon.
…Kid, let’s learn a little something about physics. Space is a vacuum. Sound cannot travel through it.
Don’t care! Toa’s singing! She’s on the moon!
*Meanwhile, on the Moon*
*A little later, on the road*
Machina, I just wanted to remind you that I would never tell you to kill someone.
I thought that conversation was over OH DEAR PEOPLE ARE FIGHTING IN THE ROAD!
It’s Jin and Gio!
*With poor acting skills* Look, Jin. I have had it up to here. With your emo nonsense. I’m going to kill you. Now.
*Also with poor acting skills* Oh god, Gio. Please let go. I promise. I won’t suck. Anymore.
Lucky! Time to catch the target! We get a bonus today, Machina!
Good. The Dragonauts. Are here. Get this wimp. Out of my sight. I will come with. You.
Gio. You traitor. We were going. To go see Toa.
Wow, it’s a good thing they hate each other now!
*Meanwhile, in the skies*
Over the Radio: We’ve found Gio and Jin, come on home.
Yaaaaaaay, Gio! Now I can ride my dragon!
*Later, at the ISDA Base*
Well, I see you don’t remember anything. Send her to the Scientist Lady. Make sure she experiments on him in a room with a camera.
I guess. I’ll cooperate.
*Meanwhile, in an interrogation room*
Alright, Machina and I are going to play good cop, bad cop. Here’s a soda.
Don’t want it.
Look, boy, I just want you to start talking.
Look, all I want is to see my girlfriend again.
Well, I admit Toa is pretty hot… good reasoning.
*Meanwhile, in the hallway to experimentation*
Soldier A: Wow, it’s great that everything is going so swell today after we fucked things up yesterday!
Soldier B: It’s a good thing he’s so cooperative. I mean, he’s a dragon, he’d wipe the floor with us if he was so inclined.
Correct! You win… a FREE BEATING! *Beats the shit out of the soldiers.* Well, that was fun. Time to wreak some havoc. I hope you remember the plan, Jin.
*Meanwhile, back in the interrogation Room*
Well, the fact that she’s hot is part of it, but also she’s the only girl in the world that ever liked me other than my sister.
I see, I see, codependent love at first sight relationship. I understand, happens all the time.
*Silence… and then suddenly, Alarm goes off*
What the deuce?
*Meanwhile, in the unguarded base power room*
Havoc is so easy to bring forth when you’re infiltrating an idiot’s base.
*Meanwhile, on the Bridge*
Sir! Gio is destroying important equipment! I’ll put him on the screen!
And I’ll undress him with my eyes.
*Meanwhile, in the Hallway*
Quick, Machina! We must sort this out… WAIT A SECOND!
Aw SHIT. Did we just get outsmarted by an emokid and a newly born dragon? DAMMIT. Machina, go on ahead, I’m going to make sure Jin doesn’t do anything funny.
*A few seconds later, in the Interrogation room*
He ESCAPED?! I can understand a super powerful dragon managing to escape from two armed guards, but how did Jin escape from one?
Soldier C: Oh god… poetry… so painful…
…I do believe our organization has hit a new low of patheticness.
*Meanwhile, in the hallway*
Gods, this was too easy! Now then, time to give an explanation for this bullshit. Go, flashback!
*Flashback to a few hours ago, back on the beach*
No, seriously, there’s no fucking way you can know she’s on the moon.
And yet I just know it.
Right, whatever. So since you seem so keen on going to the moon, I’ll take you there. But if she’s not there, I get to rip your head off and suck out the innards.
Fine by me. Either I leave this mortal coil or I find my hot girlfriend. Now, let’s make a plan to steal our way into space and make the ISDA look like total ninnies at the same time!
I’m starting to like your thinking. Stay like this.
Now, how to break this password to this hangar… BAH, who cares, the only security system I bet they could afford is one that opens if you break the panel. *Breaks the password panel, Hangar Door opens.* Wow, it’s hard for a government run organization to be this stupid.
Stop right there or I’ll shoot! How did you even know where to find this place?
You put the plans for your base up on the internet. Seriously, haven’t you ever heard about security?*Meanwhile in the hallway*
Soldiers: GAH DRAGONS ARE STRONG!
Gah, humans are weak OHMYGODBREASTS. *Runs into elevator*
*Meanwhile, in the hangar again*
Now talk. How the hell is someone like you able to ride Gio.
I just want to see Toa. Leave me alone. And improve your security systems after I leave.
No, seriously, you’ve not performed a Resonance, so you’re not his Master. How can you ride Gio?
Throwing out words I don’t know isn’t helping you convince me.
Just answer the question.
It’s hard to answer questions when NO ONE FUCKING TELLS YOU ANYTHING.
Look, in the past two days, I’ve been attacked by monsters, captured MULTIPLE TIMES by you guys, spied upon, gained AND lost a girlfriend, and in general have not had a good time. To top it off, I have NO FUCKING CLUE as to why any of this is happening. MY FAMILY DIED TWO YEARS AGO AND NO ONE CARES, ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN YOU GUYS KEEP PUTTING THE BLAME FOR THAT ON MY DAD! So even if I DID know what the fuck you were talking about I would not be very inclined to talk!
…Holy shit, he doesn’t know ANYTHING.
Do you really need to have Jin rant like this every episode? It just keeps getting longer and longer, too.
You seem to have missed the fact that he DOES rant in every episode. I time his rants here for his rants in there. I AM trying to convey the story in the best way possible.
Joke milking and dead horse beating?
*Meanwhile, on the elevator*
This muzak sucks.
*Destruction occurs. Meanwhile, back in the hangar*
Now seriously, let me go and see my Girlfriend. She’ll be able to tell me more than you dumbasses here can.
I take offense to being called a dumbass, kid! *Points gun*
*Elevator Shaft collapses*
Look, a distraction! *Steals truck* JUST AS PLANNED!
Oh damn it all to hades!
*Meanwhile, outside ISDA Headquarters*
FORM BLAZING SWORD! *Creates bitching sword*
Hydro Pump! *Launches bursts of water*
Gratuitous action sequences are neat.
*singing* I’m driving a truck… driving a big ol’ truck… petal to the medal hope I don’t run out of luck! Wearing feather boas with sequins and chaffon! Driving a truck WITH MY HIGH HEELS ON!
*Clinging to side of the truck* I don’t know what’s worse, his driving or him singing that song.
Hah, got your sword! Now, tell me, why aren’t you acting as Kazuki’s Dragon, even after having a resonance with him?
You haven’t been paying attention to two very important pieces of information. One, I’m the badass loner, AND the coolest guy in the show, which means I don’t take orders from anyone. Two… KAZUKI. SUCKS.
So, wait, you get free will? If I didn’t get treated so well by Akira I’d be jealous.
Autopilot set! Spacesuit and cockpit get! Time to jet!
Are you done yet?
You’re not getting away!
*Truck crashes through barrier, flies towards certain doom*
DAMMIT JIN! CRUISE CONTROL IS NOT AUTOPILOT!
OH GODS *Is caught by Machina* Oh, hello Airbags.
Right then. No need for stock footage! TRANSFORM!
I’m back, bitches.
Alrighty, Truck, it’s been fun, but now I must go. FLING THE COCKPIT!
*Truck flings cockpit, thrusters fire, Jin lands it on Gio’s back*
Hang on, The Cheat! We’re blasting off to the MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!
…So wait. An astronaut school dropout and his friend dragon completely and totally outsmarted us. Dear gods, we really DO suck, don’t we? Machina, let’s make an effort to be more awesome than the rest of our colleages, shall we?
*Meanwhile, aboard the Gillard Army Sub*
Sub Helmsman: Herr Dominatrix! Gio is flying to the moon!
Well, then, let’s go after them. Mwahaha. Just as planned!
Sub Helmsman: So, seriously, what’s our plan again?
Mmmm… nope, not telling.
Can we come out and play?
Not now, you two! Wait till next episode!
*Meanwhile, in a seedy astronaut bar*
Damn that Jin! How dare he ignore my pain!
Astronaut A: Hey, look, it’s that sucky rookie Dragonaut!
Astronaut B: Yes, let’s mock him for his suckiness!
Leave me alone! All I want is for Gio to love me!
Astronaut C: Hell, let’s take him out back and beat the shit out of him!
Astronauts A&B: I’m game!
I’m just sorta here. Playing the piano.
Great, another character with no name and unnatural focus. Well, at least she’s in the opening.
*Meanwhile, flying into space*
Dad always said seeing Earth from space was life changing. Time to see what he means. *Sees earth from space.*
And what happened then? Well in Emoville they say, that Jin’s emo heart grew three sizes that day.
I’m so happy, I could sing a song! *Sings* I’ll fly you to the moon and back… if you’ll be, if you’ll be my ba~by. Got a ticket for a world where we belong, so will you be my baby?
Four words, kid. Hard Vacuum Outside Window.
I’ll be good.
Right then, to the moon.
*Meanwhile, outside the seedy astronaut bar*
Oww… fists hurt my soft sensitive body…
Hey, kid. Don’t cry, I’ll be your friend.
: Only if you help me get Gio back.
Now, see, if Kazuki had a brain, he’d take the hot voluptuous dragon girl. But no. He wants Gio. So while I do scream at the prospect of Kazuki EVER having anything good happen to him, I can accept this still. Because in the end, he still sucks. We’ll see you next time, folks!