Mon 25 Feb 2008
Emonaut - The Dragonaut Thumbnail Theatre
Episode 5: 2 EEE A Master?
(Warning: Long Post is Long.)
*Five years ago, at a Gillard Army Research Lab*
Butch Naked Lady: Nice egg… good egg…
Your breasts are too large to have resonance. Please try again in your next life. Have a nice day.
Butch Naked Lady: KANEDAAAAAAAAAAAA! *Explodes*
Hmph, another failure. Oh well, at least mars has no shortage of morons to volunteer for this kind of thing. One word about the possibility of being fondled by our great Prince as a reward for success and they just come on running. Send in the next victim.
*Gonzo? I question the need for exploding naked females. I don’t think they’ll help this series like you think they’ll help this series.*
*Over the surface of the moon*
Are we there yet?
We’ll get there when we get there!
Right, shorty. Point the way. Where’s this mysterious singing that only you can hear coming from?
Ummmm… *listens, points at a park* There! She’s there! Background music, Ahoy!
*At the park*
Kid A: Wheee! Model Plane doohickeys are fun!
Kid B: It sure is nice being inconsequential to the plot!
Kid C: Hey, the scheduled rain is about to start! We should get inside!
Kid D: Ummm… anyone want to warn that pink haired girl?
Kids A-C: Naah.
No eyedrops… momma’s gonna kill me… and now Jin knows I’m a dragon… so I bet he’ll want to kill me too…
Why hello there. I’m Side Character #23, and I’m looking for a stronger role in this series. Come on in out of the scheduled rainfall.
Scheduled Rainfall… why aren’t we harping on this more?
As absurd of a concept as it is, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO HARP ON SOMETHING LIKE THE WEATHER?!
Why not ranting weathermen? I’m sure they have something to say.
Moon Meteorologist: I loves my job on the moon. I’m always right.
Now see what you did? We just let in our first FACELESS Cameo.
I regret nothing!
Oh, hush. Anyway, enough time has passed, here comes Jin and Gio! Let’s see what wacky shenanigans they have in store!
Alright! We’re here! Toa should be right…
Okay, now it’s you that sucks. No seriously, you really suck. “Let’s go to the moon!” you said. “Toa’s on the MOON!” you said.
But… but I…
Why were you so damn certain she was here?
I had a feeling. It’s like the force!
Right, that’s it. Have fun walking home.
BUT WE’RE ON THE MOON!
And whose bright idea was that? Well, at least I can walk back, no problem.
You’re a big meanie!
And you’re an idiot who is now stuck on the moon. Toodles!
*Meanwhile, at a press conference on earth*
Thank you for coming to the ISDA’s press conference. I’m sure you’re all wondering why we’re here. And so am I for that matter, so I’ll just start randomly babbling.
Press Man A: Sir, I believe the topic was the murder cases?
Ahhh yes. Those things. First, though, I’d like to talk about the asteroid that destroyed Pluto.
Press Man B: What the cowpie does that have to do with anything?
It’s actually an alien lifeform that sends space dragons to earth, and our special Dragonaut forces pilot dragons we created to fight them.
Press Man C: Well, that answers the monster question… but if the purposes of Dragonauts were so secret why make the name so bloody obvious? And what does that have to do with the murders!
The name sounds cool! That’s it! As for the murders, a dragon of ours caused him. We place the blame for this berserk state on the late Astronaut Mr. Kamishina, so feel free to continue to ostracize his son Jin.
Silly silly boss man. No matter how much you yell, you can’t emulate the Gutsy Geoid Guard, even if their self help books say you can.
*Meanwhile, back at the moon*
Gillard Army Astronaut: Well, Ma’am, we’re at the moon now. Say, how do you fit all that in your spacesuit?
Tight hair weave.
Gillard Army Astronaut: Not what I was talking about.
*A few moments later*
Sure you should have so rashly made that press conference? It can’t be good for your blood pressure.
Well, yeah… hehehehehehehehhehehehehehhehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehheheh… Hey, wait, wasn’t this your idea?
Hooray! We broke an old guy! High five! *bounce* Woot! Gainaxing on the moon is fun!
So, anyway, I’ll catch that dragon for you.
Only if you give it back.
Sure, whatev. *signs off*
Quiet you two. Anyway… dammit, I don’t want to use THOSE for this…
Why say THOSE? Why not just call them by name?
HUSH! It’s foreshadowing!
*Meanwhile, in Dragonauts Briefing Room*
So, our existence is now made public.
Pay attention, class. Anyway, our top priority is to move the plot along. Meanwhile, the Gillard Red Shirt Army has been hired to get Gio back.
Hmm? Gio? Did someone say Gio?
The Gillards? But they SUCK!
Shouldn’t we care about our comrades?
Hush little butt monkey. Alright, now, everyone stare accusingly at Kazuki, since he’s the one most likely to disregard our orders!
But what about Gio?
Get off it, kid.
I’m off to think about Gio.
Poor kid seems to be having it hard. I know! For my first step at being a more awesome character I’ll cheer him up!
*Later, in the hall-*
Hey, wait! What about the Widow checkup scene?
What about it?
Eh, oh well.
*So anyway, Later, in the hallway*
I am angry.
Hey, Kazuki! It’s me, your friendly ally Lesbian, here to cheer you up! I know I got fired from the suicide support line, but I think I still have some skill at cheering up depressed people! So, what’s up?
I am angry. No one wants to go find Gio.
So, anyway, Jin’s an old friend of yours, right? He seems like a pretty nice guy. He said some stuff about finding his girlfriend, and then took a cockpit and he and Gio flew to the moon. Sure is amazing how far people will go when they truly care about someone, huh?
Do you LIKE rubbing it in?
Man, Gio and Jin made such a good team! They completely outsmarted us all by working together! I bet Gio really wants to see Jin’s girlfriend too.
As much as Kazuki sucks, even I can’t blame him for not responding well to this.
I overheard you driving Kazuki insane, and I hate to interrupt because of that, but is it true that my potential research is on the moon?
*Meanwhile, on the moon*
I walk this empty street, on the boulevard of broken dreams, where the city sleeps and I-
Gillard Army Suit A: There he is! Get him!
No! Don’t tase me, bro!
Gillard Army Suit B: *Tases* Huh. That was a bit too effective… oh. He was standing in a puddle. Oh well. He deserved it, for his bad singing AND his bad referencing.
Gillard Army Suit A: Can I have a turn with the taser, too?
Hey, Rude! There are the guys that took our stuff and outfits!
*A bit later, in the van*
I’m really getting sick of this. First the Idiot Space Development Agency, and now the Turks.
Gillard Army Suit A: We’re not the Turks. My Gun and my lapel pin say otherwise.
Wait, you had those? Ohhh, you’re GILLARD. Right. No need to worry, then. I mean, the legendary Red Shirt army? I’ll just get my invincible dragon friend to… to… AW STIDDLEFICKS.
*A bit later, in the Gillard Base*
Gillard Army Operator Dude: Illegal hacking trick is complete. You’re free to broadcast, Miss No-Pants.
Alright then, let’s…
Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone’s death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, are celebrated with a nice holiday. I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat-
That’s enough out of you two! For crying out loud, what does it take to get you to SHUT UP!? *Ahem* Anyway, We have captured Kamishina Jin. If you want him alive, come to the base.
*Around on the moon*
Citizens of the Moon: Whatev.
Huh. I had wondered how long it would take for him to get in trouble. Neat.
Wait, Jin’s on the moon? But I totally brushed him off! Why would he come here?
*Back at the Gillard Base*
So, boy, what do you think?
I’m very impressed. I didn’t know you could wear so little without breaking laws. Where’d your pants go, anyway?
We scared them away! They only got in the way!
Okay… ignoring the talking boobies… so anyway, let me guess. You’re going to give a me a bunch of incomprehensible technobabble gibberish.
That’s right! Oh, and you’re the bait to catch Gio.
HAH! That’s funny. Gio won’t rescue me; he hates me.
Well, brace yourself, here comes the technobabble gibberish! Communicator Master Resonance blah blah blah!
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.
You will not speak while being spoken to! Hit him, lady person!
Don’t mind if I do. He’s being a smartass. BITCHSLAP WITH THE HILT. *SMACK*
Gah… right, I think I’m done experimenting with BDSM now…
*Elsewhere on the moon*
That Jin is probably getting smacked for being a pansy right about now. Serves him right.
Kid A: Rain is over, let’s go play!
Kid B: Oh no, my convenient projection camera has conveniently fallen out of my pocket and conveniently projected an image of that pink haired girl we conveniently saw earlier!
…Oh for the love of… I call shenanigans on this absurd coincidence!
*Meanwhile at the ISDA Base*
Blah blah random rexposition blah.
Blah blah blah, naked blah.
Blah Research on moon blah.
Blah blah blah?
Didn’t we do this already?
Wait, I think they just foreshadowed! Dammit, I missed my chance to make a joke about that! Nice work, Dio.
*Meanwhile, back on the moon in the Gillard Army Base*
We’ll be sending you a dragon shortly, my prince.
I’m. Too sexy for this transmission. *signs off*
Now to soliloquize about random jargon. Communicator resonance.
Gillard Army Mook A: Incoming Gio!
No fucking way.
*On the monitor, and on the moon surface, since he doesn’t need air* I’m here to kick ass and play Pokemon. And I’m all out of Pokemon.
Hooray! My innocence is saved!
*Just outside the base*
This the place? Guess I’d better knock. *Blasts a hole through main entrance.*
Gillard Army Mook A: He’s heading right towards the trap!
And another door? Geez, talk about lack of hospitality. *Blasts another hole through another door*
Gillard Army Mook A: Still heading for the trap!
IT’S A TRAP!
Gillard Army Mook B: *Knocks out Jin with Rifle Butt* Shut up you emo pansy. And someone kick that cameo out of here.
I walk briskly because I am awesome.
Gillard Army Mook A: ACTIVATE TRAP!
Red fireflies and soundwaves? NOOOOOOOO! Yeah right. That all you got, Gillard?
But it’s CSS. You dragons don’t like that.
Well, it DOES tickle a bit, but I can’t feel it THAT much over how awesome I am. And would it kill you to put on some pants, lady?
Whatever. Fire the cartoony net guns!
Gillard Army Soldiers: FIRING CARTOONY NET GUNS!
No, seriously, you need much much more than that to capture me. THUNDERCATS, HO!!! *Creates sword*
Announcer: Gio used Whirlwind!
Then I guess it’s my turn! Let’s go, guys! *Draws sword*
WHOOHOO! ACTION TIME! *bounce*
This tickling sensation along with the hypnotic bouncing of her breasts is making it difficult to move…
MWAHAHAHHAHA! How do you like my invincible sword technique, Boin Tsurugi Ryu?
Gio might lose at this rate!
Mmmmm, nope. *Knocks Garnets sword from her hands*
NO FUCKING WAY.
Our invincible technique… BEATEN… by some artificial creation with most of his abilities sealed…
Let that be a lesson to you. I rule, and everyone else in this show sucks.
Gillard Army Mook A: Ah, but our CSS emitters go to eleven!
AW SHIT IT IS LOUDER.
Good work, Mook A! You may get a promotion to thumbnailed character yet! Now, commencing beatdown! *Begins to smack Gio around with fists and breasts* BE A GOOD LITTLE BOY, PET!
We’re weapons! Yay!
Breasts… too massive… unable… to move…
Aww shit. Hey wait, those guards are distracted by her breasts, too!
ENGAGING BADASS MODE!
No… I’m still… awesome… *Punches Garnet in the face*
Where does the GAR keep coming from?!
Gillard Army Mook A: OH SHIT THE PRISONER BROKE THE CSS CONTROLLER!
And all this serves to prove precisely one thing. I ruled even at my most disabled. When I’m completely at full power? Might want to run.
Right, so much for promotions.
Gillard Army Mook B: I must kill the prisoner!
*Breaks through roof, knocks out mook B* Are you alright, little lady?
Right, let’s skedaddle. Hop on. *Transforms*
AND WE’RE OUTTA HERE!
Hey, where’d this spacesuit come from?
GAH OXYGEN RUSHING OUT! THIS POLE WILL SAVE ME!
HOORAY! The pole has freed us!
Grr… Agathion, I choose you!
Announcer: Agathion used String Shot!
Fugging Bug-types. They only know two goddamn moves.
No, seriously, where’d the spacesuit come from?
Kinda busy, kid!
Announcer: Gio used Iron Tail!
And where the hell did that announcer come from?
Announcer: Agathion used String Shot!
And why is he reducing an AWESOME ACTION PACKED SEQUENCE to a Pokemon battle?
Kid, you’ve forgotten what series you’re in.
Oh. Right. Carry on.
Announcer: Gio used Seismic Toss!
If I let you make the rest of this fight a pokemon battle, will you stop the jokes on Pokemon?
Can I still make appearance comparisons? You remember what’s coming.
Medical science hasnt found a way to make me forget yet.
I’ll take that as a yes.
Agathion Pilot: Aw shit, that Seismic Toss broke my control over Agathion!
Announcer: Agathion used Rage!
Announcer: Agathion is out of control!
Do something, Gio!
Pfft. You make it sound like it should be difficult.
Announcer: Gio used Aerial Ace! It’s Super Effective! Agathion has fainted!
That looked more like an explosion than fainting.
Look, the voice is clearly omnipresent and knows what we’re doing. Don’t question it and see if it’s omnipotent as well.
You still seem annoyed with me.
That would be because you were right and we’re still on the moon.
Announcer: Trainer Garnet is out of usable pokemon!
Dammit all! He got away, and I had to give him half of my money to boot! This sucks.
Aw crap, what did I miss?
*Meanwhile, back on earth*
Do I have character motivation yet? Oh, wait, that’s right, space shuttle accident and mystery girl. Now I just have 21 more episodes to connect these two dots and make myself a compelling character! Now then, how did my life go… Thinking’s hard. I’m going back to being a pervert.
*Meanwhile, at a park on the moon*
So, homeboy, why’d you stick around the moon, dig? I thought you left me fo’ dead, sucka!
Three things. First, don’t ever talk like that again, no matter if you have a basketball in hand and are in a street park. Secondly, work on keeping your shirt on when you get angry. Thirdly, You were right about Toa being here, so let’s find the bitch and get off this stupid rock.
You’re my best friend ever! SWISH! Nothing but net!
Right, time to beat the shit out of you.
*TO BE CONTINUED!*