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World Confusion: The World Destruction Thumbnail Theatre
Episode 2: Can of Bluffing +3

Toppy 3 o’ Clock! Time for random philosophy! Two kinds of worlds. Worlds where the laws of biology make sense, and worlds where apparently people drink sand.

Morte Shut up and stop pretending you’re a badass, fuzzy.

Toppy They just don’t respect my awesome.

Kirie Sand, sand, everywhere and not a drop to drink.

Morte You be quiet too, I’m asking the Magic Eight Ball where we should go next.

Magic Eight Ball Whatever.

Morte Huh. It’s mopey today.

Kirie Hey magic eight ball! Will you open this can for me? I promise to share!

Can SAND-WHALE, NOW AVAILABLE IN CANS!

Magic Eight Ball …whatever.

Morte Dammit, Kirie, stop trying to get the world destruction macguffin to do stupid things!

Kirie BUT I’M BOOOOOORED! And HUNGRY!

Toppy GODS my life sucks… and that thing coming from the sand probably isn’t going to make it better.

Kirie Thing from the sand? Food?

Morte Unless you only consider Subs to be delicious sandwiches, no.

Kirie I do!

Morte WRONG KIND OF SUB.

Capn Lolrus WALRUSES, PREPARE TO TAKE BACK TEH BUKKIT! …I mean, TAKE OUT THE WORLD DESTRUCTION COMMITTEE! FIRE THE SANDPEDOS!

Toppy ABANDON SANDBOAT!

Agan Whut? And who am I? Maybe we’ll find out after the title card.

*Titlecard’d!*

Capn Lolrus What do you mean you can’t find the small orb of evil in the endless expanse of desert sea?

*Meanwhile, in a bizarre dream*

Kirie What the? Weren’t we just dead?

Morte I mourn for my dead someone.

Kirie And why does Morte look less badass? I don’t understand… Guy in coffin, do you have food?

*Outside of the bizarre dream, on a new boat*

Magic Eight Ball Damn kid. I shouldn’t have to save you like this.

Kirie Huh wha? MAGIC EIGHT BALL! THANK YOU FOR PULLING ME OUT OF THAT TERRIBLE FOOD-LESS DREAM WORLD!

Magic Eight Ball Whatever.

Morte Sorry about Kirie, dude. He’s a bit of a spazz. Thanks for saving us, Mr. Steampunk Sandboat Man.

Agan No trouble, Miss World Destroyer and her Happy Friends!

Morte Oh don’t make me go bladehappy on you as well.

Agan No, no, I get Wanted Poster Weekly, is all. I’m Agan. Nice ta meetcha. Now give me your money.

Kirie Did they get my good side on that picture?

Toppy Why do I have fangs?

Morte Shut up, you two! And give me back the damn MacGuffin, dolt.

Magic Eight Ball

Agan Ooooooo, the Magic Eight Ball of Doom. I heard it was hidden somewhere far away and can destroy the world.

Morte Nope, I’ve mostly had it all along. Well, okay, I don’t know where they guy before me got it, but he gave me his full assurances it was the real deal and not a con.

Kirie Didn’t come with an instruction booklet, though. Stupid used goods. Can’t even make the can opener function work.

Catgirl Shhhhh, I’m a ninja.

Agan Anyway, back to the issue of you giving me your money. Course, you look fairly penniless, so I’ll just take the macguffin off your hands. You probably don’t have enough money to even buy another Can of POWERWHALE.

Can NOW MADE WITH REAL LIGHTENING!

Toppy How about I just give you some cash instead.

Agan Oh, look, a football-sized beastman! You look so puntable.

Toppy Just take us as far as three gold coins will take us.

Agan Good Ship Whorehouse it is!

*Later, at the Good Ship Whorehouse*

Kirie Good Ship Whorehouse? What does that mean?

Agan You some kind of moron? Some rabbit named Bun-bun got fed up with pirating and opened up this ship featuring Blackjack and Hookers. If there’s something sinfully pleasurable, this ship has it.

Kirie Sinfully pleasurable? Do they have deliciously rich chocolate cake?

Agan …Yes. Yes they do. Go take a look. I’m unloading you three here as well. Get off my ship.

Morte Sounds like fun! Let’s go get rich.

Catgirl Secret… AGENT catgirl!

*On board*

Kirie They even have girls in Bunny Suits. And back in the town they almost arrested ME for wearing cat ears. A place where even furries can not be discriminated against… neat…

Girlpimp Hey, Bear! I’ve got a sister for you!

Toppy Tempting but no.

Morte What, you gay or something? Have fun a little. And would it kill you to stop saying -kuma at the end of your sentences, Toppy?

Kirie wait, we know his name is Toppy? He’s never mentioned it on screen so I wasn’t sure.

Toppy I don’t know what you’re talking about. And if I DID say -kuma at the end of sentences, it would be because it’s a mark of honor for my Klingon-like race. My cute, cuddly, fuzzy Klingon-like race.

Morte Fine, I’ll drop it.

Toppy …Kuma.

Catgirl I AM NOT A PICKPOCKET. *Steals Magic Eight Ball*

Magic Eight Ball

Kirie Aww, how cute, she’s not a pickpocket.

*At Bun-bun’s office*

Bun Bun What do you nerd-boys want?

Naja We’re actual named members of the World Salvation Committee! Yes, it’s true, we exist. I’m Naja, and this girl anxiously grasping for her pistols is Ri A.

Ri A 2 Shoooooot…

Naja And these are our mooks. They’re faceless!

Bun Bun Just get to the point. *Pulls out a switchblade with a ka-click.*

Naja We’re hunting the World Destruction Committee, and we think they’re on this boat. Can you help us find them?

Ri A 2 Shoooooot…

Bun Bun No no, go take care of that yourself. I don’t care.

Ri A SHOOT!

Naja No! Bad Ri A! No Shoot!

*And now, Eyecatches of Bun-bun and Catgirl. We seem to like random ancillary characters.*

Kirie Finally, we found a can opener and can have POWERWHALE! I feel like a fighter jet made out of biceps!

Can SPORTS! *AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH* You’ll be good at them!

Morte Observe my ability to make the number on roulette turn up my way all the time and drive this casino into bankrupcy! I love manipulating luck. Even with my luck in friends I’m lucky at what really matters.

Casino Catboy You suck, lady.

Morte Shut up and give me more money.

Ri A TARGET ACQUIRED! Can I blow her brains out can I can I can I?

Naja No! That is neither elegant nor circuitous. We need some kind of overwrought plan. Observe.

Casino Catboy Amazing! You win on the coin flip probability of black or red! I’m astounded, lady!

Morte Thank you, I AM totally awesome.

Naja I’ll say. Here’s a rose. Wanna play cards?

Morte That sounds completely harmless.

*Meanwhile, in a hall on the ship*

Toppy Alright, listen up kid. There’s two kinds of women in the world.

Kirie Do you have a cryptic comment on duality for everything?

Toppy Yes, shut up. Anyway, one kind of Woman I call the Mikuru. They’re really shrill, annoying, and useless. They always need saving. Moe-tards love that shit. But Morte? She’s a Lina. A badass who saves HERSELF if she gets in trouble.

Kirie So you’re saying… I should try to help Morte?

Toppy No! Go help that little girl, she’s a Mikuru.

Kirie Oooo, it’s that catgirl that isn’t a pickpocket! Hey little girl, what’s up?

Catgirl Go away, tard, I don’t talk to strangers.

Kirie Ya sure she’s a Mikuru, little buddy?

Toppy You shall not foil my plans, girl! I DEMAND TO HEAR YOUR STORY!

Catgirl I don’t talk to strange teddy bears either.

Toppy NOT BEAR.

Kirie So wait, now you’re NOT a bear?

Toppy I HATE YOU ALL!

Catgirl I don’t need your help. I’m off to bail out my dad’s debt. But not with a stolen macguffin, I assure you.

Kirie Alright, run along little girl.

Toppy Like I said, she’s a Lina.

Kirie But I thought you said-

Toppy It’s what I said.

Kirie Oh, okay.

World Savior Committee Hey guys, ever notice how we always seem to walk into where we need to be with no explanation? Like right now. The newbies added to the Wanted Poster are standing right there.

Kirie Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re gone! Whoooooop whoop whoop whoop!

Toppy Nyuk nyuk!

*Meanwhile, at a cardgame on the ship*

Bun Bun Card games are serious business! Fun, too.

Naja I’m sorry I keep winning, girl. It’s just that card games require no luck at all when I play.

Morte Why does this keep happening? It’s like he’s stacked the deck.

Naja (Little does she know I have stacked the deck!)

Morte Aww hell, I’ll blow the wallet on this last hand!

Naja JUST AS PLANNED. I win again! Now, for the dramatic reveal that I know who you are! Surely you are in so much awe of my circuitous plan that you will come quietly. Or perhaps you can bet that Magic Eight Ball you love so much to get back all this money you love so much and I’ll leave peacefully.

Ri A Why does he always do this? It’s much more fun going guns akimbo. MUCH more fun. …Guns akimbo.

Morte I’ll DO IT! Let me just get out the Magic Eight Ball…

Can Powerwhale makes you wonder why you haven’t CRUSHED A HUMAN SKULL WITH YOUR BARE HANDS! But you wont have to because Powerwhale TASTES how that FEELS!

Morte (Wait, Powerwhale? Where’d the angsty Magic Eight Ball go? Ah well, I’ll use the can as a bluff.) Here’s the bet.

Can MPHH MPHH MPHH!!!! (Translation of muffled speech: FOUR HUNDRED BABIES!!!!)

Naja Then it’s TIME to D-d-d-d-d-duel!

Catgirl INTERRUPTING CATGIRL SAYS MEW! Hey, Bun-bun! Give back my dad! I’ll give you this world destroying magic eight ball!

Magic Eight Ball All signs point to Whatever.

Bun Bun Hey, neat.

Morte DAMN YOU INTERRUPTING CATGIRL.

Naja Wait, then what’s in here?

Can CANPWNED!

Naja NO! I’ve been canpwned!

Ri A ALL RIGHT! Time for a little less conversation and a little more BLOWING YOUR FACE OFF.

Kirie Hey, did we miss something?

Ri A STUPID CAN.

Kirie Hey, a can of Powerwhale landed at my feet!

Can POWERWHALE will make you need NEW PANTS!

Ri A Poo, out of bullets. Well then, I’LL JUST TRANSFORM INTO SOMETHING SCARY!

Morte Yipe!

Naja Little girl, give me that magic eight ball, we need it.

Catgirl No! I need a hero to save me! Kyaa! Help!

Toppy I TOLD you she was a Mikuru, Kirie! Dramatic rescue!

Catgirl Thank you handsome bear! Whoops, dropped the magic eight ball!

Morte Crap, the magic eight ball might cause me to slip! Catch, Kirie! *kick*

Magic Eight Ball Whatever.

Kirie Whoa! My other friend! *looks at both Can and Magic Eight Ball* Can… Magic Eight Ball… NO! Don’t make me pick a best friend!

Ri A STAB YOU IN THE FACE.

Kirie OH GOD GONNA… not die? She stopped?

Blushing Ri A Holy crap, he’s like the manliest thing ever. He just EXUDES an aura of manliness.

MorteToppyMagic Eight BallCanNajaWorld Savior CommitteeCatgirlBun BunCasino Catboy PFFFFFFFFFFT AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Kirie I don’t get it.

Morte Time to save the Dude in Distress again! CHANDELIER DROP!

Kirie Seriously, what was so funny? Why was everyone laughing?

Morte Just get in the escape boat.

Catgirl I’m staying here still!

Kirie Awww, she still wants to save her father.

Morte Awww, the minor secondary character doesn’t want to stay in the plot. Oh well, less crowded boat, let’s go. Here you go, girl. Have some Powerwhale. It’s what separates the Mikurus from the Linas. And you want to be a Lina.

Can Powerwhale is like driving an ice cream truck filled with ANGRY BEES!

Catgirl Thank you, awesome lady! I promise I won’t be pedobait any more!

Kirie NOOOO! I’ll miss you, can…

*On the upper deck of the boat*

Naja Ri A? We’re really dumb, aren’t we.

Ri A Shoooooot…

Naja You’re right, though. World Destruction IS sort of an interesting goal. Hmmm…

*On a Beach*

Morte Well, I’m off. Take care, losers.

Kirie WAIT! I’m still wanted and can’t take care of myself! And Toppy’s puntable!

Toppy Hey!

Kirie And these beaches of sand oceans confuse me because I can’t figure out where the beach ends and the ocean begins and it makes my head hurt-

Morte Fine, if you shut up I’ll let you come along. We’re off to destroy the world, this wonderful world of sand…

Kirie Hey, here’s an idea! How about we help people instead of destroying things! People might like us then.

Morte It helps everyone if we destroy the world.

Toppy Well now, a discourse so ridiculous it didn’t even need to be made into a joke.

*Join us next week for more cryptic duality comments and idiocy!*