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World Confusion: The World Destruction Thumbnail Theatre
Episode 2: Can of Bluffing +3

3 o’ Clock! Time for random philosophy! Two kinds of worlds. Worlds where the laws of biology make sense, and worlds where apparently people drink sand.

Shut up and stop pretending you’re a badass, fuzzy.

They just don’t respect my awesome.

Sand, sand, everywhere and not a drop to drink.

You be quiet too, I’m asking the Magic Eight Ball where we should go next.

Whatever.

Huh. It’s mopey today.

Hey magic eight ball! Will you open this can for me? I promise to share!

SAND-WHALE, NOW AVAILABLE IN CANS!

…whatever.

Dammit, Kirie, stop trying to get the world destruction macguffin to do stupid things!

BUT I’M BOOOOOORED! And HUNGRY!

GODS my life sucks… and that thing coming from the sand probably isn’t going to make it better.

Thing from the sand? Food?

Unless you only consider Subs to be delicious sandwiches, no.

I do!

WRONG KIND OF SUB.

WALRUSES, PREPARE TO TAKE BACK TEH BUKKIT! …I mean, TAKE OUT THE WORLD DESTRUCTION COMMITTEE! FIRE THE SANDPEDOS!

ABANDON SANDBOAT!

Whut? And who am I? Maybe we’ll find out after the title card.

*Titlecard’d!*

What do you mean you can’t find the small orb of evil in the endless expanse of desert sea?

*Meanwhile, in a bizarre dream*

What the? Weren’t we just dead?

I mourn for my dead someone.

And why does Morte look less badass? I don’t understand… Guy in coffin, do you have food?

*Outside of the bizarre dream, on a new boat*

Damn kid. I shouldn’t have to save you like this.

Huh wha? MAGIC EIGHT BALL! THANK YOU FOR PULLING ME OUT OF THAT TERRIBLE FOOD-LESS DREAM WORLD!

Whatever.

Sorry about Kirie, dude. He’s a bit of a spazz. Thanks for saving us, Mr. Steampunk Sandboat Man.

No trouble, Miss World Destroyer and her Happy Friends!

Oh don’t make me go bladehappy on you as well.

No, no, I get Wanted Poster Weekly, is all. I’m Agan. Nice ta meetcha. Now give me your money.

Did they get my good side on that picture?

Why do I have fangs?

Shut up, you two! And give me back the damn MacGuffin, dolt.

…

Ooooooo, the Magic Eight Ball of Doom. I heard it was hidden somewhere far away and can destroy the world.

Nope, I’ve mostly had it all along. Well, okay, I don’t know where they guy before me got it, but he gave me his full assurances it was the real deal and not a con.

Didn’t come with an instruction booklet, though. Stupid used goods. Can’t even make the can opener function work.

Shhhhh, I’m a ninja.

Anyway, back to the issue of you giving me your money. Course, you look fairly penniless, so I’ll just take the macguffin off your hands. You probably don’t have enough money to even buy another Can of POWERWHALE.

NOW MADE WITH REAL LIGHTENING!

How about I just give you some cash instead.

Oh, look, a football-sized beastman! You look so puntable.

Just take us as far as three gold coins will take us.

Good Ship Whorehouse it is!

*Later, at the Good Ship Whorehouse*

Good Ship Whorehouse? What does that mean?

You some kind of moron? Some rabbit named Bun-bun got fed up with pirating and opened up this ship featuring Blackjack and Hookers. If there’s something sinfully pleasurable, this ship has it.

Sinfully pleasurable? Do they have deliciously rich chocolate cake?

…Yes. Yes they do. Go take a look. I’m unloading you three here as well. Get off my ship.

Sounds like fun! Let’s go get rich.

Secret… AGENT catgirl!

*On board*

They even have girls in Bunny Suits. And back in the town they almost arrested ME for wearing cat ears. A place where even furries can not be discriminated against… neat…

Hey, Bear! I’ve got a sister for you!

Tempting but no.

What, you gay or something? Have fun a little. And would it kill you to stop saying -kuma at the end of your sentences, Toppy?

wait, we know his name is Toppy? He’s never mentioned it on screen so I wasn’t sure.

I don’t know what you’re talking about. And if I DID say -kuma at the end of sentences, it would be because it’s a mark of honor for my Klingon-like race. My cute, cuddly, fuzzy Klingon-like race.

Fine, I’ll drop it.

…Kuma.

I AM NOT A PICKPOCKET. *Steals Magic Eight Ball*

…

Aww, how cute, she’s not a pickpocket.

*At Bun-bun’s office*

What do you nerd-boys want?

We’re actual named members of the World Salvation Committee! Yes, it’s true, we exist. I’m Naja, and this girl anxiously grasping for her pistols is Ri A.

Shoooooot…

And these are our mooks. They’re faceless!

Just get to the point. *Pulls out a switchblade with a ka-click.*

We’re hunting the World Destruction Committee, and we think they’re on this boat. Can you help us find them?

Shoooooot…

No no, go take care of that yourself. I don’t care.

SHOOT!

No! Bad Ri A! No Shoot!

*And now, Eyecatches of Bun-bun and Catgirl. We seem to like random ancillary characters.*

Finally, we found a can opener and can have POWERWHALE! I feel like a fighter jet made out of biceps!

SPORTS! *AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH* You’ll be good at them!

Observe my ability to make the number on roulette turn up my way all the time and drive this casino into bankrupcy! I love manipulating luck. Even with my luck in friends I’m lucky at what really matters.

You suck, lady.

Shut up and give me more money.

TARGET ACQUIRED! Can I blow her brains out can I can I can I?

No! That is neither elegant nor circuitous. We need some kind of overwrought plan. Observe.

Amazing! You win on the coin flip probability of black or red! I’m astounded, lady!

Thank you, I AM totally awesome.

I’ll say. Here’s a rose. Wanna play cards?

That sounds completely harmless.

*Meanwhile, in a hall on the ship*

Alright, listen up kid. There’s two kinds of women in the world.

Do you have a cryptic comment on duality for everything?

Yes, shut up. Anyway, one kind of Woman I call the Mikuru. They’re really shrill, annoying, and useless. They always need saving. Moe-tards love that shit. But Morte? She’s a Lina. A badass who saves HERSELF if she gets in trouble.

So you’re saying… I should try to help Morte?

No! Go help that little girl, she’s a Mikuru.

Oooo, it’s that catgirl that isn’t a pickpocket! Hey little girl, what’s up?

Go away, tard, I don’t talk to strangers.

Ya sure she’s a Mikuru, little buddy?

You shall not foil my plans, girl! I DEMAND TO HEAR YOUR STORY!

I don’t talk to strange teddy bears either.

NOT BEAR.

So wait, now you’re NOT a bear?

I HATE YOU ALL!

I don’t need your help. I’m off to bail out my dad’s debt. But not with a stolen macguffin, I assure you.

Alright, run along little girl.

Like I said, she’s a Lina.

But I thought you said-

It’s what I said.

Oh, okay.

Hey guys, ever notice how we always seem to walk into where we need to be with no explanation? Like right now. The newbies added to the Wanted Poster are standing right there.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re gone! Whoooooop whoop whoop whoop!

Nyuk nyuk!

*Meanwhile, at a cardgame on the ship*

Card games are serious business! Fun, too.

I’m sorry I keep winning, girl. It’s just that card games require no luck at all when I play.

Why does this keep happening? It’s like he’s stacked the deck.

(Little does she know I have stacked the deck!)

Aww hell, I’ll blow the wallet on this last hand!

JUST AS PLANNED. I win again! Now, for the dramatic reveal that I know who you are! Surely you are in so much awe of my circuitous plan that you will come quietly. Or perhaps you can bet that Magic Eight Ball you love so much to get back all this money you love so much and I’ll leave peacefully.

Why does he always do this? It’s much more fun going guns akimbo. MUCH more fun. …Guns akimbo.

I’ll DO IT! Let me just get out the Magic Eight Ball…

Powerwhale makes you wonder why you haven’t CRUSHED A HUMAN SKULL WITH YOUR BARE HANDS! But you wont have to because Powerwhale TASTES how that FEELS!

(Wait, Powerwhale? Where’d the angsty Magic Eight Ball go? Ah well, I’ll use the can as a bluff.) Here’s the bet.

MPHH MPHH MPHH!!!! (Translation of muffled speech: FOUR HUNDRED BABIES!!!!)

Then it’s TIME to D-d-d-d-d-duel!

INTERRUPTING CATGIRL SAYS MEW! Hey, Bun-bun! Give back my dad! I’ll give you this world destroying magic eight ball!

All signs point to Whatever.

Hey, neat.

DAMN YOU INTERRUPTING CATGIRL.

Wait, then what’s in here?

CANPWNED!

NO! I’ve been canpwned!

ALL RIGHT! Time for a little less conversation and a little more BLOWING YOUR FACE OFF.

Hey, did we miss something?

STUPID CAN.

Hey, a can of Powerwhale landed at my feet!

POWERWHALE will make you need NEW PANTS!

Poo, out of bullets. Well then, I’LL JUST TRANSFORM INTO SOMETHING SCARY!

Yipe!

Little girl, give me that magic eight ball, we need it.

No! I need a hero to save me! Kyaa! Help!

I TOLD you she was a Mikuru, Kirie! Dramatic rescue!

Thank you handsome bear! Whoops, dropped the magic eight ball!

Crap, the magic eight ball might cause me to slip! Catch, Kirie! *kick*

Whatever.

Whoa! My other friend! *looks at both Can and Magic Eight Ball* Can… Magic Eight Ball… NO! Don’t make me pick a best friend!

STAB YOU IN THE FACE.

OH GOD GONNA… not die? She stopped?

Holy crap, he’s like the manliest thing ever. He just EXUDES an aura of manliness.

PFFFFFFFFFFT AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I don’t get it.

Time to save the Dude in Distress again! CHANDELIER DROP!

Seriously, what was so funny? Why was everyone laughing?

Just get in the escape boat.

I’m staying here still!

Awww, she still wants to save her father.

Awww, the minor secondary character doesn’t want to stay in the plot. Oh well, less crowded boat, let’s go. Here you go, girl. Have some Powerwhale. It’s what separates the Mikurus from the Linas. And you want to be a Lina.

Powerwhale is like driving an ice cream truck filled with ANGRY BEES!

Thank you, awesome lady! I promise I won’t be pedobait any more!

NOOOO! I’ll miss you, can…

*On the upper deck of the boat*

Ri A? We’re really dumb, aren’t we.

Shoooooot…

You’re right, though. World Destruction IS sort of an interesting goal. Hmmm…

*On a Beach*

Well, I’m off. Take care, losers.

WAIT! I’m still wanted and can’t take care of myself! And Toppy’s puntable!

Hey!

And these beaches of sand oceans confuse me because I can’t figure out where the beach ends and the ocean begins and it makes my head hurt-

Fine, if you shut up I’ll let you come along. We’re off to destroy the world, this wonderful world of sand…

Hey, here’s an idea! How about we help people instead of destroying things! People might like us then.

It helps everyone if we destroy the world.

Well now, a discourse so ridiculous it didn’t even need to be made into a joke.

*Join us next week for more cryptic duality comments and idiocy!*